To say that I feel like I have been pulled under the strong undertow of Camelot would be a mild statement. I am trying to tread water and keep my head above the emotions of channel patrons and fellow channel ops, as well as my own personal feelings. While I might not agree totally with the Boss' decisions, I sincerely do see his point. It sure would be easier not to. *wry grin*. Well, it would make my life easier if I couldn't, but Life is not about always taking the easier road, sometimes it's about taking the higher one. Stepping outside of my own emotions about certain typists in channel is extremely hard but I do it, I don't want to, but I have to. My opinions of course are tingled by my own feelings... they wouldn't be my opinions otherwise, would they? I constantly ask myself hard questions about my feelings. I question my motivations as well. I defend the Boss. If I don't agree about something, I'm not about to say otherwise, but I make it clear, I do defend and support him. If I felt strongly objectional about something which is contrary to what he puts forth, I tell him how I feel. We've been together too long now not to respect each others thoughts, opinions and views. We don't always have to agree and sometimes we don't. If I have no alternative plan to offer to fix something, then I must accept his because what else is there to try? In situations like this, it's hunt and peck. Try it, if it doesn't work, toss it out with the bathwater and try something else. So long as everyone is open to trying, accepting or rejecting and that must include personal feelings aside.
Most people find the Boss opinionated. I agree, it's one of the things I respect about him. By the same token, I don't find him unapproachable or single-minded. Some things he feels strongly about. I also know he does not dismiss out of hand most things told to him. Depending on the source, he may take something with a grain of salt. Whatever it might be, I know he mulls it over regardless of how he might personally feel. Then and only then, if he still feels strongly about his decision, he'll carry it out..... at least that's my perception. Do his emotions sway him? Of course they do, whose doesn't? Certainly not mine. He is as human as any other person, as vulnerable, as guarded...*smile*.... as opinionated. Someone has to lead and one can't please all the people, all the time.
This time around, a lot of people are emotional, very much so. I think that's a double edged sword. The emotion tells us something is seriously wrong and we need to really look at it. It also clouds reasonable judgment. I having been asking myself why are we so strongly emotional this time around. The answer I have come up with is that the problems that started out as something very small and left unaddressed, have now festered into poison. One of the issues I ran into yesterday is that people seem reluctant to speak their mind. Reluctant or fearful? And what is there to be fearful about? Making waves? Losing Ops? Being dismissed at any rate so why bother because it's not going to change a thing? My answer to this is, because no one has spoken up, no one has said what the hell is bugging them, no one else knew there was a problem, not until the channel was hit was a huge wave of frustration that answered a chord in quite a few patrons. We have grumbled amongst ourselves instead of presenting a united front and taking it to the Boss. Resentments have built up to the point where there is the thought that nothing is going to fix this.
Since this is my blog, my thoughts, we'll stick me under the microscope. There are two people in channel that have my teeth grinding, we'll call one the Tainted Knight and the other, Knight Be All (KBA for short). Let's address Tainted Knight (or TK for short) first.
TK hasn't been around for awhile, a long while. When he has, he has made it explicitly known that while at some point he was a Knight of Camelot, he had ceased to be one so he might follow his own Code instead of the Olde Code. On one hand he thumbed his nose at Camelot's rules and on the other claimed to a friend to Camelot and that his blade would always be Hers. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't be a friend to Camelot without respect for what She stands for and Her rules. You can't flaunt those rules simply because it suits you and expect everyone or anyone to accept it. Now why no one has made an issue of this before, I simply don't know. Maybe it was just because he wasn't around enough to make it an issue. He came in, stirred things up and left again. In hindsight, he should have been held accountable from the get go because now, each of those little incidents has built up hidden resentment and tension. It was bound to blow out one day. Of all the Knights in Camelot, the majority have some sort of issue with TK. What does that say?
Dilemma: TK has recently asked for another chance to get back into the fold. It has been granted. Some don't think it should have happened. Personally, I would have been extremely happy if his arse had been booted out, never to return.
Stepping out of the box: How does one turn down someone who asks for a second chance to change and to be allowed to prove it? I can't honestly say I could turn them away. More than likely, I would have put 'im on a TIGHT rope.
What I see: TK is already showing signs of his old spots, of slipping back into ways he is comfortable with. I am not looking for a needle in a haystack here to convict him with. It glaringly stands out. Does an unwed Knight and an unwed Lady of the Court stay in the same dwelling together? It was mentioned, considered and not dismissed that's for sure. While TK was needled all night by a certain PoD (which is his norm btw) does that make it acceptable that TK at the end of the night, goes out to the stable, retrieves a horse he thinks belongs to PoD and giving it a slap on the hindquarters sends it off into the night? Human instinct for retribution? Perhaps. Knightly? Hardly. The thing is TK's typist knows next to nothing about PoD, who, does not travel by horse. TK is unsure of his standing in Camelot. He knows there are many who disapprove so he moves cautiously in some actions and deeds. Understandable, but maybe too cautious. Another matter that stands out is his referring everything to the most junior(newest) of the knights, while there are more senior knights present. By senior knights I mean those more seasoned. That is creating some resentment as well. I am not sure if he is doing this without thinking or is there some method to his madness, so to speak. Another glaring spot I noticed is that TK is the one who pushed the idea of taking a quest to the Shadowlands, even while others had reservations and I believe objections?
As for KBA, she has been all gun-ho about this quest. Now, after questions and conversations with the more senior knights, it appears she has some reservations about it. KBA's typist flies by the seat of her pants. Her research paperwork as a squire was easy stuff, I imagine but when one gets into the nitty-gritty of things, it's not so easy. She's having to back pedal, mainly because people are not letting her run roughshod or willy-nilly anymore. She seems to dive in head first and when she begins to flounder, having to answer for her headlong actions, the only thing seemingly acceptable is the right solution, all the time. She once said to me, when I called her on it, " Isn't that what you're suppose to do when you've done something wrong, try to make it right? " Yeah. I can't find fault with that, but in role play, sometimes, one errs and takes the consequences of the error instead of appearing to be god-like by having the right solution or at least one that negates what she did wrong, handy. Sometimes she doesn't look ahead at the possibilities of what her actions may cause. When punishment is handed out, she is this super person instead of someone who has vulnerabilities. It's almost as if the typist can't stand not having control, craves the attention and is not comfortable being vulnerable. To make a character believable, those very real human traits are necessary. She wants to be perfection and she leaves her partners with nothing to work with. The typist wants so much to fit in, she is trying too hard to do so. It is having the opposite effect, she is alienating people. I have seen people try to role play with her, trying to correct something but she either doesn't see it or doesn't want to. I have tried, nicely, to speak with her in private and while it may make an initial impression, that impression is soon lost.
One last knight I wish to address: Sir Don Quixote. He must rescue the maiden in distress. By that I mean the maiden who feels herself put upon....picked on by others... and not in a rp sense. He has tendency to take that and transfer it to role play. He has good intentions, he really does, in character as well as in real life. His main downfall is taking everything personal and then copping the attitude of, " Nobody loves me, everybody hates, I'm gonna go eat worms. " A martyr attitude is another way someone once put it. I call it cutting his nose off to spite his face. He came to me and asked me to please explain how he was part of the problem because no one wanted to tell him anything. I told him we all are to some extent. He pointed out how I hadn't said that before. I replied that he never gave me the opportunity to do so. Indeed, he immediately felt cut to the quick and wanted to cut his nose off to spite his face. I told him this is why I hesitate to speak to him about such things, even in the nicest way possible because I know this is how he is going to act. He says he hates the drama yet he is drama when he feels attacked, slighted or wronged. I refuse to babysit him. If you ask a question, be damn sure you want to hear the answer. He's a good person, truly. I have nothing against him personally. He has a caring heart.
When one goes off half cocked to begin with, then cools down and wants to be rational and when all that becomes a routine, instead of the exception, it's hard to want to meet halfway or want to participate in any sort conversation.
To finish off this blog... I am not unaware of my mistakes or my shortcomings. When I am frustrated beyond measure, I am blunt to the point of being seemingly rude. Take a swipe at me, I swipe back. I don't have the patience to babysit or play games. I cut to the heart of the matter. I speak my mind and my piece. I can be annoying and I can be hard. I'm as hard on myself as I appear to be with anyone. I might come off as high and mighty, but I'm far from it.
If you want my opinion or ask me for answers, ask. If you don't like what you hear, next time, think twice about asking.
