Ooooookay

Teach me to check the dryer. I started the dryer, went into the kitchen to do some other stuff and paused. The dryer was making too much of a thunking sound to be normal or simply a lump of clothing. I threw the door open and looked inside but didn't see anything. Just before shutting the door again I heard a distressed meow, pulled some clothes aside and out jumped a cat. He wasn't even in there 5 minutes and the dryer was just starting to warm up. He did do a few revolutions though. He's lying on the dining room floor, panting, but otherwise fine...dumb butt. His name is Rebel, but I think I'm going to start calling him DB. geez.

In The Aftermath

So..... Thanksgiving went well. The house was full of people, more food than could be eaten in one day and by the end of the day, there were full bellies and lots of snoring. Now my mind turns to the Yule Season.

In the midst of all this holiday thing is the fact that Daughter and FB are getting divorced and so Daughter, Pookie and Topper will be moving back in here. Daughter will be going back to school so she can have some sort of skills by which to help support herself and the kids. To make a long story short, somehow, Daughter took herself off her meds which tipped her mental health almost into a complete break down. It's been a long hard road getting her back on course and she's well on her way, but still has further to go. In the mean time, it seems FB can't handle this any more, he can't deal with it and apparently he's not even willing to try. It doesnt matter what this is going to do to Shel or Pookie or Topper, he just can't deal with it anymore. Boo hoo. I understand that everyone is not like me when it comes to dealing with a person's mental health issues, but ya know something? It's just too damn easy to simply give up on a relationship then try to work through it. The only thing out of his mouth has been I..I..I. Trust me when I tell you that my dentist would be squirming in his chair about now, either because of the damage I am doing to my teeth or in glee of an anticipated money windfall. In the meantime I am having to clean out, repair and convert the office into a useable bedroom for Sprout and then move her and the kids into his bedroom. Bless Sprout for being so generous. Currently she and the kids are still living in the apartment and they're going to until FB gives notice to their current landlords and starts moving out himself. Hell if I am going to make it easy for either of them. Daughter has to learn to quit running home to mama every time something gets tough and he needs to quit figuring she's going to be taken care of (thus leaving him without having an extra worry on his shoulders in regards to his kids and his wife) everytime things get rough. By the Divine, I hate this. I hate having my world turned upside down because two young people can't get their crap together. The worry I have is the kids. They are the victims in all this and what happens will effect them more than either two of these boneheads' realize. I know Daughter understands a lot about this having come from a divorced family herself. FB has not a clue. He has all these fantasies of how a marriage should be, how a wife should be and he's living in lala land. Daughter is not without fault here and she and I have had some talks and I have been very blunt with her. She has accepted her responsibilities in all this and is willing to try at least once more to make it work, unfortunately he is not. While I appreciate how his patience is tried, he's burnt out, yadayada, this is something more than just about himself. Unfortunately through his eyes, he has been giving 120% and getting nothing in return. She feels she has been giving 120% with no return. Whatever. I just know that our family lifestyle is going to change again and I'm not really happy about it.

Other than the FB/Daughter saga, everything else is status quo healthwise for all involved. I get to go see the doc this Thursday, it's duckbill time again. Ugh. Friday is a trip out of town to Sac. Mr M has a dental appointment.

FYI for those who want to know: I'm hanging in there. My crying jags are not as often, but man, it's hard. Sometimes out of the blue, I just see her in my mind's eye and damn if it doesn't set me off or I start to say something or look someplace and wham. It's not like I haven't been in this kind of place before. I know I just need to let the moment pass through me, cry if I need to and then blow my nose, wipe my eyes and get on with it. A love like this should never have to be separated as soon as it was, all I can hope is that one day, that spirit, that heart, will find it's way back to me and this time, I swear to guard it better.

The Day Before Feasting

I am thankful for my family and all the love we share.
I am thankful for my friends, far and near, and their love and support.
I am eternally grateful for the memories I carry in my heart of all those dearly departed who left a mark on my soul and heart.

I am thankful for those who are a part of my living circle, near or far, who have gotten or are having their health looked after.
I am thankful that a year ago, I screwed up my courage and went to see a doctor who probably, in all likelihood, has saved my life.

I am thankful for the love that entered my life nearly 11 years ago. Through thick and thin, through pain, sorrow, frustration, even anger, we're still here, together.

I am thankful I have a roof over my head and food to sustain me. Maybe life could be better, but I have nothing to whine about when I have so much.

I am thankful for the men and women who have gone to serve their country in lands far and wide to preserve freedom. I owe a tremendous debt to those who have died securing the freedom and the rights that come with them so I can be me.

If you have a moment, take a single flower to your local cemetary and place it on the grave of a military person. If you don't know one or find one, leave it anyway. There's a darn good chance they served somewhere, someplace, somehow.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving on the morrow.
Be Safe.
Be Well.
Be Happy.

Turkey Ready?

Well, I have everything but the fresh veggies and those I will get tomorrow and anything else I need because I am not going to go anywhere near town the day after Thanskgiving. *shudder* Daughter and the grandkids will be here this afternoon. Pookie and I are baking pies in the morning because the kids are going with their dad Wednesday afternoon.

Daughter seems to be responding to her meds, thank the Lady for small favors. They're still talking divorce but we'll see. In the meantime we're still working on converting the office into a bedroom/office. Sprout has offered to take the office space and give his room to his sister.

My oldest son came down for an overnight visit this past Friday. I haven't seen him in a couple of years so it was wonderful to spend some time with him. He had to help move a lady from the town he lives in to down here.

Mr M is doing okay, worried about me, but otherwise he's okay. Losing Cheyenne was pretty hard on him too, he just doesn't show it like I do.

After losing Cheyenne on Thursday, the refrigerator went out on Saturday and at least we got a service man out on Sunday after church (and he didn't cost us an arm or a leg). So now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and trying not to think about it. One more shoe, it always comes in threes.

As for me, I still have crying jags and there's just no telling what would set it off, but they're not as frequent as every other minute. *eye roll*. I need something to fill this awful void in my life and new puppy will handle that, but finding someone around here with a fluffy 14" high sheltie puppy that I can afford is not easy. Mr M was in touch with the breeder we got Cheyenne from to let her know what happened. Cheyenne's mother is going to have a new litter in the spring, but I don't feel comfortable getting a puppy from her. She put Cheyenne in my care and I feel like I let her down, her and Cheyenne. Besides, the momma is a champion now and puppies, especially females, are going to cost a lot more than I can afford right about now. Mr M is on a mission to find me a female sheltie puppy and in the meantime, I'm just getting through day by day. Right now, there's Turkey Day to get through.....

Musings

I can't believe how attached, how much I loved (and was loved by) Cheyenne. These past couple of days have been horrible without her. I have run the gambit of emotions, blame, unworthiness, heartache the works. I would say that I never thought I could love an animal so much but she wasn't "an animal". In the name of science, she was labelled a canine, but she was so much more to me that that. We fit together like a hand in a glove. Our personalities were so... so... interwoven. I just can't see me ever loving someone that deeply again and yes, I said someone. I never saw her as a dog. We did everything together from gardening, to writing, to eating, to simply sitting and watching tv.

Yesterday was extrememly hard for me. I damn well lost it. We saw the doctor who again truly believed that my little girl had eaten some sort of mushroom and the toxins overwhelmed her little body. I got through that point but when they went to get her chart so we could pay for the bill, I had to leave. I walked across the parking lot and paced the field over there until Mr M came and got me. I told him I didn't know how he could have done this for 25 yrs, raising shelties. He told me that this was the hardest one yet. Yeah, we both adored her. She was quite the personality. Like I said, we were both a lot of like. Neither of us took guff off anyone, always voiced our opinions and always made sure the other knew they were loved.

Maybe... I should have gotten her to the vet sooner... hell they were relatively new and I didn't know they had an on call doctor. Maybe.... if she had reacted differently... she was clearly in some distress but then for a moment or so, she acted normal we, I, thought she merely had a tummy ache. She had kinda done this before when she managed to get in and devour a whole bowl of cat food.... I wish I hadn't waited until the vet's office opened... maybe they could have administered antibiotics sooner and ..maybe she would hvae survivied this... maybe Mr M should have made sure she was in the backyard and then she wouldn't have eaten what she shouldn't have...

None of this changes the fact that she is gone and nothing will bring her back and I will come to, in time, accept my responsibility, if any, in her passing. Right now, it's just too damn hard to think about, if not live with the fact I could have done something to prevent this. All I am trying to deal with now is not having her with me, not seeing her do all the little things I am use to seeing, not hearing her, of there not being a daily routine anymore.

In my heart I know time will heal this and I will be able to get thorugh my days without this overwhelming feeling of pain, until then, it's just hour by the hour, live through it and do the best I can...

Tears In The Grove

As most of you know, a couple of years ago, we got two shelties, a male (Cherokee aka Bubba) and a female (Cheyenne aka, Chey Chey or Missy Chey-just whack off the first sound of Cheyenne). Last night, Cheyenne managed to slip past us as we loaded groceries into the house and we didn't discover her missing for about 45 minutes of so. If you ask me it was more like two hours. Although we purchased Cheyenne for Mr M, Chey and I had formed a loving close bond from the get-go. She followed me all around, she laid at my feet, always kissed me good-morning. Last night, around 3 in the morning, she was in distress, a tummy ache I thought. Maybe she ate something outside like an over abundance of goat poop (the neighbors have goats) or maybe way too much cat food. When the vet hospital opened, we bundled her into the car and took off. I cradled her in my arms and begged her not to leave me. I couldn't preceive life without her.....

At 6:35 this evening, the vet called and told me Cheyenne didn't make it. I had just been there around 3:30 pm, stroked her, talked to her, told her I loved her and again begged her not to leave me, to stay with me. I guess her wee fragile body just couldn't do it. I am devastated. I am lost. I am heart broken. Life is going to be so empty without her. Even as I sit here typing at the computer, I can see her lying by my feet under the computer, but when I look down, she's not there. I see that little darling face, those brown eyes and golden eyelashes, that pointy little nose and tears flow. Goddess, I miss her. I will always miss her. I have never been so connected, so loved by nor loved an animal so much. In fact, I never saw her as an animal. She was my friend, my darling, my baby and she's gone..... forever.

What Tarot Card are You?

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Dashing

Daughter divorcing FB. Daughter and babies moving in, trying to figure out space requirements. Going nuts. Back Later.

Draggin' What????

Oh my Sweet Lady....

I am so tired I could cry but I don't have enough energy for that. I have been running, running, running! My apologies to GQS for not returning her call, but AT&T and I need to have a talk. *eye roll* Thank the heavens I keep copies of everything even when I pay online.

Halloween came and went. We got the front of the house all decorated, but as usual, we didn't have an Trick or Treaters. The Auxiliary Potluck went over great and all the decorations have been removed from the Post. This month will be a Mexican Fiesta with a raffle. This will be a donation event. The Auxiliary needs to refurbish their treasury. The Auxiliary has several fund-raisers in mind for the next few months. Now, let's see if we can pull them all off.

The Marine Corps Birthday Ball is this Friday night. Yours Truly gets to get all dressed up (Mr. M in his tux)and I hardly get to dance the night away as Mr M is busy running around like a chicken with its head cut off making sure the Ball comes off well, but I don't mind.

Saturday morning, I get to sit in front of Safeway at 8am passing out Buddy Poppies.

After that, it's on to a Christmas Bazzar to spend some money.

This past Saturday I attened our Auxiliary District meeting. I enjoyed that and it was informative.

Daughter has been having some real mental health issues as well as health issues, but I think we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. She went to see her mental health doctor today and he's changing her meds and suggested continued therapy. Her health issues, I believe stem from stress and a woman's problem. Hopefully we're on the road back to health now. I hope so. I think I am about at the end of my teeter.

Mr M is doing good, aside from the fact that I was growling at him today because of some Auxiliary stuff but also because he's slower than a shroom today and we couldn't afford that today. We had too many things to attend to.

Currently, I am in the process of printing up the Auxiliary newsletter for Nov. and I'm going to bed early. I need to go do the grocery shopping tomorrow or there's going to be a nasty mutiny.

So, I'm still alive... but I don't know where I'm at. I'm lucky that I know where all my body parts are....