Summertime

Well, summertime is closing and none too soon. I'm ready for fall and winter. I've been driving all over the town as I haul people around. I'm beat. I have to leave here in about 45 min to go have my hair cut. Then I have to go pick up Morgan from college. He's getting his car hauled off to be fixed today. Hopefully, they'll get it all done and he'll be back on the road again soon. He hit a skunk last night while using my car. Fortunately, my car doesn't really stink.

Tomorrow we take the kids to the local swimming pool for the day. Yes, I do own a suit and yes, I have been known to don it. Don't even think about giving me a hard time.

The following weekend we move Troll to Oregon. I spoke with him last night and he's doing okay. Getting his store into shape. He really does enjoy the work. I am so happy for him.

Dealing with the loss of Diana much better. I'm not saying it feels any better, because it doesn't. I'm just dealing better. I'm still waiting to wake up and find out that this has all been just a nasty bad dream. It is nasty and bad but it isn't a dream, unfortunately.

You all be careful out there, this long weekend. I don't want to find out that something bad has happened to any of you. Take care and enjoy.

In Sadness

On Sunday, I lost someone dear to me. It wasn't unexpected, but still, when it happens there is truly a finality to it that is undeniable. I think even when I saw the writing, I still hoped. Until there was no hope left.

I was just telling someone that I feel like a ping pong ball. I go from moments of happy times with her to the sorrow. I'll get through it. I know I am in good hands. I know I am better person for having her in my life. It's just the knowing that I can't pick up the phone and call her and I'll hear her voice or have in the moment conversations. Not that I ever counted on getting presents from her or anything, but whenever I did, she always somehow managed to pick out something that would suit me, something I would never have thought of myself. That part of her, that's part of what I'll miss. Sometimes, I think she knew me better than I know myself... or at least that quirky part of me most others wouldn't see.

I have some serious writing to do. For her. It will help me, I think, in my healing. Whenever something bothers me or touches me profoundly, I always turn to my writing for my expression because I don't do well otherwise. I'm not comfortable in anything other than my writing.

In the past few days, weeks even, through all this, I have the last silver lining Diana would have shown me. I have spoken and grown closer to Stacy and I have finally spoken with E. Always in my mind and heart is Joy. I haven't spoken with her though. There is nothing I can say to her that she doesn't already know, doesn't already feel. And right now, I'm just another blithering idiot. In situations like this, I never know what to say or when. I usually just keep my mouth shut and depend on the people who know me well to understand the reason for my lack of response and that despite it, I am there and willing to help out in any way I can.

Of Bill, I depend on others to see him through this, not for my lack of desire, but because we have grown apart, although I know he still thinks of me and I, of him. Daniel and I, well, no matter how many months or years can pass, we're still connected as we have been from day one. It's just one of those things or at least so I feel.

Of E, well, he has always been this gentle presence in my heart, somewhere. He is funny, he can be cutting and he is caring. Over the last few days, he has been a balm to my soul, even if we have only spoken a few times, either by messenger, email or over the phone.

And last, but no way least, Stacy. Stacy has been... there are no words for her... but I'll try. She has been my sanity, my cheering squad, my... well, I think I've run out of words. Hopefully you all got my drift.

Of course there is someone else that I have deliberately left out of this equation. They know who they are.

As for Diana, I think I've almost said it all, almost. I still have a couple of things to do. You'll find my words of farewell on her memorial blog and to be posted to Camelot list, by way of another.

Things will never be the same, but nor will we, those left behind, let them die. She wouldn't have wanted us to.

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Stoic

I don't know what else to be. I have done everything I could think of, everything that is in my knowledge and ability to do. As I see it, it is in hands Greater than my own. It always has been. To stay or to go, this is a decision between her and her Creator. I've "talked" to her, wherever she now is. Hopefully, she's heard me. I need her to take control of this so her husband does not have to make a decision. No lifemate should have to make such a decision just as no parent should ever have to. I don't want her to go. I want her back, just the way she was before this whole mess came into play. Unfortunately, I do not believe that is going to happen. Not any more. I can't. Not after what I experienced. I love her. I will always love her and always treasure the times we have shared. My life is a better thing for having her in it.

There is a heaviness in my soul I can not ignore. There is still some sliver of hope that shines within me as well. There always will be until either the light goes out altogether or a miracle occurs.

What I will NOT accept? Is ANYONE who loves her, to feel like that they have let her down in some way. STOP IT!!!!! If anything, it's been exactly the opposite. You love, respect and honor her. She would not allow you to think for one moment that you have let her down. NOT ONE! None of this is in YOUR hands or ever has been. No fault lies at your door. All any of us can do is love her, pray for her and her family and in the end, if we must, let her go to a far better place and be grateful that we each had her in our lives and the value she has given each of them.

Now, we stand beside her, hold her hand, tell her we love her and we wait. It is her decision to stay or to go and we will honor it.

Back

I have returned from Portland. Have to go back on Thursday, back Friday night. More later. Tired.

oh yeah... focus energy on the DIC (? I am so tired I can't think at the moment)now... think... white light coursing through her body... some of us think green for healing.. whatever color comes to you. White light general all around color, always seems to work.

I think I need new batteries.. -grin-

Monday in the Grove

-Whoosh- Another week in the Grove and it's already buzzing. Today I am carting people around to appointments and such things. My whole week is pretty much of that. Sometime this week I need to squeeze in a nail appointment, get another hole put in my ears, start going through stuff so I can begin to rearrange living quarters and other people's personal stuff, gather stuff from freecyle for Troll and his new household... um, can we say, stop the bus and let me catch my breath? Yeah.

In the meantime I am striving for GQS' recovery. I spoke with her husband last night, pretty much went over the same stuff I got from Em. Her husband had me laughing in regards to paying bills. It was nice to share a bit of humor with him. I think he might have enjoyed making me laugh. There will come a time when GQS and I are going to have a good laugh about it. I can't wait.

The heat wave has downgraded around here since yesterday and today seems like it's going to turn into a bit of relief as well. Maybe it'll stay this way as we stroll into fall. I certainly hope so.

FB is going to get away without me burying him in my rose garden. A pity. They look like they could use the nutrients. His current hoochie momma is finding out what kind of arse he is, but she has decided to stay with him. She -loves-him. -eye roll- Whatever. Her choice.

Daughter has divorce papers to file so I can serve FB with them and don't you know, I am sooo looking for forward to serving him those divorce papers. I'll even do it with a smile. You know I will.

I'm a bit worried about Mr M's health. He has been getting an upset stomach lately. A lot. He hasn't been eating much either. It could be the heat, I'm not sure. He has an appointment with the doctor this week or next week, so we'll find out if there is something going on. He's also due for a colonoscopy as well. I always worry about those.

Troll is apartment hunting, hopefully, he may have found something, finally. He has to go to a trade show on Sunday so Mr M and I are taking him up to Bend on Saturday. We'll all spend the night there and head over to Portland Sunday morning before coming back down the hill. He knows he'll be homesick. He'll get use to it.

I can feel that urge to write starting to tug at me. Oh, I hope so. I miss it. Very much.

Other than that, things are okay around here. -knock wood-

New Beginnings & Concerns

The latest news in The Grove:

Troll got the General Manager's job for a well known pet store in Bend Oregon. I am so happy for him. He has lived with me since he was 16 when Mom died. He owns an interest in the house so living here has never been a problem. Troll and I really tight. We are each other's sounding board. At one time, I took care of him, now it seems like he takes care of me. I'm going to miss him, so much. However, this is something I have wanted for him. The start of a new beginning and a new life for himself. He won't be all that far away. It's about a 4 hour drive from here to Bend. he doesn't have anybody up there, well, actually, he has a friend about 3 hours north of him and she may just come down to Bend and go to work for him at some point. Troll negotiated his salary like a pro. He went high, the big boss went low and they settled in betwee, which was EXACTLY where Troll wanted to be. There is much to do here in the Grove as we get him ready for the big move. he has to start working on finding a place to live. He has never lived alone before but I think he's ready for it. He'll adjust, in the meantime, I am only a phone call away and by email and messenger, I am always available. Once we get Troll all settled, then the Grove has to readjust living space. We're moving Sprout and getting Daughter and the kids, rearranged. By Christmas, I hope we're a ll adjusted. If I can get Daughter and the kids into their own apartment by then, want to watch a naked snoopy dance? -GRIN- I was kidding.

So, while in Bend yesterday, I went to the Hallmark store and got GQS this purple/pink hippo called Cupcake. it has a little cupcake in its mouth. It brought a smile to my face so I hope it brings one to hers. I'll get it off in the mail to Sir Rex in the next day or two. While waiting for Troll to finish his job interview, I took theliberty to step into my first Borders store. I liked it. I found three books I was looking for to complete a series I was reading so that was cool. When I went up to pay for them I was asked if I had a card. I told him no that we don'thave a Borders down here, but THAT OTHER store -grin-. He convinced me to get a card anyway, it was free. Good enough for me. Now I should be hooked in, both Borders and Barnes and Nobles.

Mom's memorial service is set for the 11th so I need to travel for that one. We don't plan on staying long. Mr M doesn't know half the people who will be attending and he doesn't do well among people large crowds of people he doesn't know. So, we'll do the token thing and leave. Mom's ashes are going back to Arizona with her oldest daughter. I think that is right move.

So, it looks like my life isn't going to settle down into an even keel until Sept. As much as I sigh or moan and groan, I wouldn't have it any other way... -snort-

GQS: A setback. Truthfully, I've been expecting that. Since the medical field can't find the exact source of entry for the infection in the first place, treatment is like pouring water into a sieve. Yes, it's helping her to a point to recover, but they need to find the source in order to insure her complete recovery.

So, my line of attack? Prayers for the source to be found. I'll be doing a few other "hoggity-boggity" things. The power of prayer is not to be dismissed, so keep them coming. GQS IS NOT going to go quietly into the good night or any other way if I can help it at all. I don't care whose "toes" I step on... and I AM a force to be reckoned with, doubt it not.