Bidding Farewell

I started to write something about Divine Grace and stopped. I got out the soapbox for some reflections on my other blog, I think I'll leave it at that.

It's the last day of December, the last day of the year, 2004. Like every other year that has come and gone, this one has been full of joys, frustrations, worries, sorrows and abiding love. Regrets? None that I can think of at this moment. Any New Year resolutions? *smile* None that I don't carry around with me 365 days every year.

I am thankful for my friends, you all know who you are. Around you I can be myself without a second thought or hesitation. I can't tell you how much that means to me. I love you all for your support, your caring, your love. Because of you all, my life is sweet. Thank you.

For the man who stirs my dreams, who is my inspiration, my smile.....thank you seems such a small thing to say, yet it holds a wealth of meaning.

For my loved ones, you give me a reason for getting up each morning, a reason for being and you give me a purpose. I am eternally grateful we have each other.

For the Divine Light I turned to all those years ago, I remain, at your service.

To all of you out there that read the ramblings of a mushroom in her little grove, I wish you health, happiness and prosperity in this upcoming new year.

Each of us sets an example for someone, let us be worthy of it.

Be Safe and Be Well~

An Act of Futility?

Several years ago Mr. Mushy gave up smoking. He smoked since Nam so it wasn't something easy to do. Anyone who has had that monkey on their backs knows of what I speak. I tried it, smoked a little when I was first married, but when I got pregnant, I quit. I would have to be mega stressed out to pick up a cigarette again. I digress. Mr. Mushy quit smoking. I was glad. My paternal grandfather died because he smoked too much. My mother's death, I am certain, is linked to smoking and all that crap in her lungs and arteries. The last words I ever heard my mother speak and words that haunt me to today were, "I can't breathe." I can't tell you how hopeless those three little words made me feel. Over the years since her death, I have come to accept that there was nothing I could have done that would have saved her. My oldest two children smoked. My oldest son has quit, finally. Thank the Divine for such gifts. My daughter has quit and started up again, several times. Because of her health issues, she is in the process of quitting again and this time I hope she sticks with it. Mr. Mushy... I don't know how long it's been going on, a couple of years now maybe. I have found packs of smokes hidden in the truck. I'm not sure what pains me the most, the sneaking around or the smoking itself. He's been graced all his life with his life and he still does this. I just don't understand. I don't want the last words I hear from his lips to be, " I can't breathe". It would surely kill me.

I have been so open and honest with my feelings about his smoking. I don't believe I have ever made myself this vulnerable to another human being in all my life. I just don't know what else to do. I keep taking the packs. He knows I know. I know I can't make him stop. He has to do that for himself. What is left for me to do but watch him slowly kill himself? Every time I make such a discovery, some small piece of myself is ripped away. I'll keep taking the packs. Why? Because I love the man and Love is not an act of futility.

It Doesn't Take Long At All

As much as I would derive some sort of satisfaction to smack FB up the side of his nappy fat head, I shall restrain myself. The deep dark sound you hear in the night? That's me. Growling.

The lad took leave of his senses and locked his wife out of the house. I don't mean the type of lock a key can open but one of those slide locks that have to be lifted and flipped to the side to open. Why did he lock his wife out of the house? Because they were fighting. Stupid chit. He didn't hear something he liked so he went off... she didn't love his mother, she never loved his mother... and what it all boils down to? He simply is mourning. One minute he locks his wife out of the house and the next she finds him on the bed crying. Now how can I smack him? That was yesterday.

Today, it's because he's showing off for his younger brother to show how much he still wears the pants in the house. Well, FB might be wearing the pants but he forgot to get his suspenders 'cause his ass is showing. He gets this way whenever he is around his brothers. It's that male brother thing, you know? Makes me want to wade in there with my waders pulled up to my neck (because I'm all of 5' 1-1/2" and they don't make waders that short I hear), swinging the thickest baseball bat I can find. The brother in question is the one overseas. The one who served in Iraq and will be home in August. It's the same one with the attitude. Now, I don't mind attitude, but you don't walk all over a woman to prove it and FB is doing just that. There is no consideration, no respect, for his wife when any of the brothers are around.

The short of it is I have daughter and grandbabies with me right now so she can do her laundry. It's cold and wet outside and these babies don't need to be out in it. Where's FB? Out at the movies with his brother and then hitting the bars. He won't be home tonight. He was more than willing to leave his wife and children with his dad. Where he expected them all to sleep at his father's, I don't know, especially since the oldest son and his family are staying there. No, I told her to come here. Do your laundry and I'll take you home.

I'd go get my shovel but it's raining outside and that shed is a far piece from the house.

The Holidays

Oh my... well, my wish list wasn't very big to begin with. I wanted a new dictionary. They thought I was nuts for asking for that. But you see, mine is a ratty mess, well used and I wouldn't get one for myself, I'd simply make due. I did get a new one. I also wanted some warm fuzzy slippers, again, something I would simply ignore getting for myself. I got two pairs. LOL. Leave it to Mr. Mushy to give it some character. He bought me a pair of pink fuzzy monster feet, with glittery toenail polish on the nails. Priceless and I love them. I also got a pair of plain blue slip ons. Mr. Mushy also got me an "Over the Hill " Fairy. She is adorable. I can't begin to describe her, but oh so precious. There are 6 in the set. I'll be getting the rest at some point, I'm sure. He also got me a gift certificate for a facial and body treatment, 1 1/2 hours worth. I'm saving that one for when I'm at the end of my teeter some time. I also got an under the cabinet cd/radio player and one of those atari plug into the tv joy sticks for Ms Pac-Man, my favorite game and a beautiful tapestry..oh yes and two gnomes, courtesey of FB. It's a standing thing with us.

The grandbabies, of course, made out like bandits as did Daughter and FB. Troll, Sprout and Mr Mushy did okay as well. I got Mr Mushy a palm pilot. He really needs one with all the appointments he has. He can do a lot more with it too. He has yet to explore its possibilities. While I have no control over how much Troll and Sprout spend, I kept Mr Mushy and myself to a certain amount this year and it turned out great. I have yet to convince Mr Mushy he does not have to spend this fortune on me. I am hoping this year has proved something to him.

Last night was a bit of a tightrope. Mr. Mushy got home from doing a funeral, went to change and stretched out on the bed. Apparently the circuit breaker popped when he had turned the heater on back there. Lying there in the dark and cold sent him into a flashback. At least he had the insight to come out to the livingroom where it was warm and light. He tried to push me away but I wouldn't let him. I didn't crowd him, but I would not let him get away with withdrawing. I held onto him until I saw his eyes clear. At first it could only be hanging onto his hands with mine. As soon as I saw his eyes clear, I wrapped my arms around him and held him until I felt the tension go out of him. Usually, the most I deal with is the after effects of a nightmare. Some time ago, he was afraid to sleep with me because he hit me in his sleep. I understood because it wasn't me he was hitting, but it disturbed us both so much so we got him a doctor's appointment and had his meds changed. He's been doing well since. He still has nightmares now and then, but there's no physical violence. Last night was the first time I had been this close to the flashback with him. It's funny, looking back on it now, how calm I felt and how I just did things without forethought. It's like I just sort of slid into some sort of mode.

Any way, all is well on the home front this night. I have three men who are either sick with colds or trying to fight one off. I'm holding my own, barely. Fetch and carry *grin* I took some cold meds myself last night before turning in. I am prone to bronchitis, courtesey of my childhood. So far, I'm staying ahead of it.

We're not all that far above sea level so we don't get snow often here in the valley. Usually what happens is that cold air gets trapped here and we get snow. It's raining and has been for the past 24 hours at least and it's cold. They predict snow for tomorrow and hopefully some sunshine by Wednesday. That would be nice. I don't mind the rain and gloom so long as I get a break now and then. Decorations will start coming down slowly and won't be completely put away until after the new year has arrived, my choice for this year.

Not much more to report from The Grove for now.

Adaptability

Yep... to survive in this Grove with a even a bit of sanity you must be able to adapt. Around here we make plans to do something but there's no telling when something else will crop up. If you don't learn to roll with it, you're going to get bruised, to say the least.

Apparently when Mr. Mushy went to get the tickets for tonight's movie he found out they're shutting down early. This means the last showing is around the 7-7:30 pm time slot. Rat Fuzz! (Lady Bless, I like that one. Thank you, Miz Angel wherever you are) There is no way Troll is going to make it and since this is a family event, it doesn't seem right that he should have to miss it. So, quick change of plans. We'll go see the movie next week on his next day off. Tonight, we'll go look at the various Christmas light displays. There's a contest every year and some of the entries are just out of this world. We would enter but Mr. Mushy hasn't got enough circuit breakers to spare. Trust me, another circuit breaker box is on the wish list. Anywho, going out to see the lights gives us some cool ideas. We've been trying to figure out how to fit in the opportunity to go look at the lights... well, ask and you shall receive. *grin*

On another front, Sprout is speechless. I haven't seen that phenomena in a long time. His boss just came by to wish him a merry christmas and gave him a card. Sprout thanked him and came back inside. When he opened the card, there was a $100.00 bill. Nice little christmas bonus, that. Sprout hasn't worked in a couple of weeks but he didn't mind too terribly since he usually doesn't have time for a vacation. Usually he takes off when the boss does.

Merry Christmas Eve

I don't subscribe to Christmas Eve or Christmas personally, but I have family members that do, including the grandchildren and that's ok, there is more to Christmas than religion, like basic humanity and feelings. While it seems like the little ones only seem to understand the commercial side of the holidays, I tend to look at it a bit differently. I see the wonder and excitement in their eyes, such innocence and joy is a gift in these trying times. Besides, how bad can it be for them to see the best of mankind brought to the fore? I get caught up in the beauty, the lights, the decorations and regardless of my spiritual philosophy, I also get caught up in the spiritual beauty brought on by the multitude of voices on high. How one can disregard such spiritualness is beyond me. Even though many have definite lines drawn, I subscribe to the belief that Divinity, in its truest manifestation, holds us all.

Perform one act of random kindness today, no matter how big or small and you'll have added to the light of mankind and the world....

'Tis The Season....

... to smack Sprout up the side of his wooden head. I should never have told that fairy god-mother I wanted a real live boy, I could have taken his little ole wooden self and folded him up and put him back in the wooden box when he got on my nerves. ARUUUUGH! Sons. I wouldn't give a million dollars for the ones I have and I wouldn't give a plug nickel for another one. Okay, so what has Sprout done to make him the bad boy? Where do I begin?

I think I mentioned before that the holiday season is NOT a good time of year for my family in general. Sometimes, we do get through a year or so without anyone dying, but it's the time of year these souls pick to pass on through, a little rough on those of us left behind, but hey, we get manage. Now top this with the fact that it is getting closer to Christmas and there are company parties and just people going out and a few too many. I rather not have Sprout out there driving in this. What's a mother to do? I can't wrap him in wool and duct tape him in his room in front of his play station... although... that doesn't sound like too bad of an idea.. nah. So, I worry. Sprout is a good driver, a very defensive driver. It's the other guy and the deer I worry about.

Sprout went out to his friend's house later in the evening last night. I told him all the good stuff moms nag about... drive carefully... watch out for the drunk driver..be careful of the deer coming down into the area... call me when you get there. If you can remember. He leaves, remembers to call me about three hours later, I expected that. He earns brownie points for remembering.

He loses brownie points for making me worry all night. Before he left, he told me he wouldn't be too late coming in because he doesn't like driving when he's tired. I said ok. Sprout also lost his cell phone in the house somewhere and we still haven't found it yet. We heard it beeping because the battery was going but couldn't locate it before before the dang thing shut up. Now, I have the number to his friend's house but I don't feel like waking anyone at three in the morning. So, I tossed and turned, got up, laid down, no real sleep at all last night. I caught a few hours this morning after I heard his key in the lock around 7am. He got the lecture AFTER I got a couple hours of sleep and he's been "slave boy" today. He had to fill the wood bin, cart things where I want them, you get the drift. He hates it, however, I'm mom and he likes eating. Whoever said the way to man's heart is through his stomach, well, they weren't too far off.

Sprout also didn't make any brownie points when I got caught in the cross-fire of a squirt water bottle fight between him and Pookie. Pookie's 8 and my granddaughter, she gets slack, Sprout does not. He looks at me, " I'm the baby, gotta love me. " You're my son, I gonna love ya, regardless, now come over here, son and let me put a little love on your noggin. He's cute, but dang if I'm letting him in on that...

Mr. Mushy braved the last minute crowd today to finish up getting my Christmas gifts. I do believe he came home with less hair then when he left here this morning. We have to brave the traffic one last time tomorrow. We need to go get the tickets for the movies tomorrow night. It surprised me how many people do go to the movies on Christmas Eve. That's a straight shot so it should be easy enough to do. *knock wood*

Be Careful out there... Kiss your kids, your spouse and hug your siblings. Be thankful. I am.

Maybe

Take the quiz: "What Kinda Kiss Are You?"

Tender Kiss
The tender kiss is the feeling where you can be anywhere and show your feelings.

Oh dear...

Did someone catch the license plate number of that truck?

Yesterday my day started early. The vendor-from-hell, as previously noted in earlier posts, had demanded Mr. Mushy's presence. He didn't want to go, figuring it would solve nothing but only create his blood pressure to rise. I sent him off to beard the dragoness in her lair and when he returned, it wasn't as bad as he thought and he sported a gift, a bottle of wine. One would need that wine after dealing with her.

After that, my day snowballed into last minute gift shopping and grocery shopping for the week. I ended up grocery shopping with three young men. We had giggles, thwaps and an all around good time. By the time I got home and put everything away, I baked some pizzas, left them to it and went to stretch out for a bit. The next thing I knew it was after 10 pm. Wow. Must have needed that snooze.

Today consists of having the grandbabies. Pookie gets to spend two nights here because she is on Christmas vacation. We're baking cookies and brownies and all that good stuff. Oh yes, as she reminds me, making milkshakes, which is Troll's dept.

FB, last night, has earned my respect. He finally stood up to his family. Daughter is lost because it has always been a battle of FB and his family against her. Well, last night, the tables turned, it was FB standing up for his little family. This is a rather convoluted story and a thorn in Daughter's side for the longest. But it appears that since his mother's death, FB has grown up. I'm proud of him. Daughter and I had to have a little talk about it because how FB has chosen to make his displeasure known is sad, but there it is. She has needed him and wanted him to do this since they have been together. So, now, she has made her opinion known, she needs to let him make his decision and she needs to support him.

I am hoping this week fairs much better than last. I can't wait for Di to read this one. Last week, I was on IRC, talking with my daughter via phone, was getting up to replenish my drinking water and I noticed hte fireplace needed tending. Well, with all those things on my mind, I didn't pay attention to where I was walking, hooked the toe of my boot in something and down I went, face first. It took me a bit longer to get up from this one. Smashed both my knees again, broke the water glass, just seared off the top part, and the phone went flying under the Yule tree. I'm lying there, getting to my knees *ouch* and yelling toward the phone that I was okay and that I needed a minute to get to my feet. I have broken glas all around me and my palm is bleeding. Wonderful. I finally manage to get the phone, told the daughter what happened and told her I had to go. I then called Mr. Mushy, who was still down at the Veterans Post and told him to get hone as I needed some help. The man usually takes his sweet time aobut getting out of there , but I think he set the record and was gone before I could hang up. So, here I am fretting over the broken glass because I have critters around here. I stick a cloth to my palm and go insearch of a broom. I manage to get pieces swept up but it still doesn't look like the majority, given how the glass was broken. About this time, I hear Mr Mushy pulling up. I sign out of IRC and let him clean me up. The cut in my palm is small, practically nothing to speak of, but because of where it is, ll I can do is put ointment on it. My knees are slower to recover from as is my dignity, but we're all getting along. *grin*

The interior of the house is about fully decorated. I have a few red bows to staple up. Electric staple gun. Pray for me. There are boxes to transport back out to the shed, presents to wrap, but I think we're about ready for the holiday. The Cook is serving up glazed ham and slow cooker ribs and all the fixings. The males in this house are drooling even now and I haven't baked yet, let alone cooked. It looks like clear weather, which is okay by me.

Well, the kiddos are on the way and grandma is making lunch so I'm signing off here for now.

Be Safe, Be Careful and Be of Good Cheer.

Oh my....

You scored as Lust. Lust 50% Wrath 38% Sloth 38% Gluttony 31% Pride 13% Greed 13% Envy 6% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

A Week Before Yule

ARUGH! That's right, it's one simple sound of aggravation but it holds such a wealth of feeling. Here it is a week before Yule and NOTHING is done. Hyperbole. Some things are done but not enough to my liking. Last year was understandable. For Thanksgiving we went to South Lake Tahoe and came back with maybe two weeks to spare before we were jetting off down south to a meeting then a rush drive to San Diego to make our Sea of Cortez Mexican cruise. This year we opted to stay at home for Thanksgiving and Yule and we're still no closer to getting everything up. We can't blame it on the weather either.

Mr. Mushy is the Cpt. of the Veterans Honor Guard. Every person who served in the Armed Forces is entitled, upon their death, to have an Honor Guard and a flag. This month alone the funerals have been so many. This week alone he has done four or five of them. I've lost count. I know he needs to do this. It's such a small thing to give back. He still feels guilty for coming home from Vietnam and so many didn't.

I am a firm believer in attending hearth and home. In my younger days I did my share of volunteer work, mostly disaster relief. At the time I was married to a man who was not one to attend the hearth fires while I was out. This meant when I drug my body in, I still had things to attend at home, kids, dinner, laundry, you know the drill. I know that when you go out there and give of yourself for others to the point that it feels like you have nothing more to give, that coming home to a warm, welcoming, stable home means everything for the recharging of your soul. I never got that. It's important to refuel yourself and coming back to your home, your refuge seems to go a long way in helping to accomplish that. I've always enjoyed providing this sort of support, but I lost the joy of it with my previous marriage. It's nice to be appreciated and thanked for what you do. It's not really an ego thing, but the knowing that someone noticed and appreciated it. The bad thing is, sometimes I end up holding not only the cupcakes but the plate they sit on too. Everything ends up on my list of things to get done and I'm only human. There are things I want to sit down and do for myself too, but usually something has to give because I just don't have enough hours in the day to get it all done. Lately, the household stuff has been on back burner. I'm juggling and so long as I don't have to juggle forever, I'm figuring I can handle it. In the meantime, all my decorations for the inside of the house are still in the back shed. The tree is out front still soaking up water and it's a week before Yule! Yikes!! Did I mention I HATE doing last minute things? I'd like to be relaxing this next week, but that's not going to happen.

Camelot: I've left. My persona for Camelot returned to Avalon to live out her days until she dies and can be reunited with her husband Blackhawke. Yes, Blackhawke died. Finishing her story was not painful, but it was emotional. Once I got started, I couldn't stop and by the end, I had to stop and calm down because I was all caught up in the emotions that I found myself unable to write. I thrive on this sort of thing. To be able to make me feel so deeply and so profoundly, to be able to tap into that is the greatest gift anyone could give me. So, I'm considering that my Yule gift from my writing partner.

My writer's block, I feel, is from all the ugly crap that has been going on behind the scenes of the channel (Camelot). I just didn't realize how much I didn't want to go there. I did because it was my responsibility to help care for the channel. I did because my writing partner was there and we're a team. With the advent of leaving, my partner came up with a new idea for a channel and we're in the days of bringing it to life. Last night is the first night I didn't feel like I was fumbling around like an idiot. Sometimes, it takes a while to tap into my imagination and to crank me up. The pitcher is starting to pour, but it needs to pour a little more, I think.

Something else I've been musing on. I'm a co-founder of this channel. That requires a great more skill, a great more amount of patience and to some extent, tolerance. I find some amusement in it. That man knows me and he enjoys challenging me. I enjoy picking up the gauntlet. He believes in me and I'm going to try my damnest not to let him down. I want this new adventure to work. It will work. It's going to require a great deal of our time, but I don't care. Hawke has done a channel before, successfully. I have no reason to believe this one won't be too.

Other news in the Grove today. We lost the runt from the litter of the puppies today. That stung a little. I was rather fond of the little guy. I took him out and buried him under my lemon tree. These things happen. It's not anything I haven't experienced before or something I can't cope with.

FB is doing okay. He has his moments. I know what that's like. My daughter is trying to cope and be understanding through these times but she depends a lot on me for support and insight.

I do believe I have all my Yule shopping done. If my budget allows, I'll make one more trip into town next week for some small stuff. On Friday, it's our annual family thing. We pick a movie to go see as a family. This year's choice is, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.

So, there you have it. Quite interesting, huh? *eye roll*

A Jello Square and Caffeine Shooters

Around midnight last night until 10 something this morning, I was helping to be a midwife to 6 pug/sheltie puppies. Lady Bless, they are u-g-l-y. Maybe it's the lack of sleep that makes me see it that way. Everyone else thinks they're cute. We thought we had lost the last one at the time of birthing, however, Mr. Mushy could do this stuff in his sleep. He has birthed more puppies and foals than I can count. With a bit of work, together we managed to save the little guy. Momma (or as Sprout refers to her, " Bubba's Bootie Call" ) and puppies are doing fine.

FB: The doctor didn't expect his mom to last the night, but apparently she did. Daughter and FB dropped the kids off for an hour or two so Daughter could say her good-byes to her mother-in-law before the family gathered and have all treatment stopped. Once treatment is stopped, the doctors feel her life expectancy will be measured in hours. My previous post/poem was written with her in mind. Once his mom has passed over, the funeral will proceed rather quickly.

In the meantime, FB was suppose to have gone to the college to speak with his professors about his finals this week and see if there is anything they can do. I hope he did that. I never did ask him as I currently feel like a jello square downing caffeine shooters to get to some semblance of a working mind.

Working Mind: I'm not sure it is. Actually, at the moment, I feel quite numb. My writing partner of these past years has dropped a bomb shell in my lap. Am I angry at the turn of events? No. I have a few things to think out, but I could never be angry. If anyone understands him, I know I do and when I don't, I have faith in him. None of that changes.

As for Hawke and His Lady, well, in the next few days I shall work to finish the last storyline and more than likely by the conclusion, my answers will be made known. Until then, I need some time to myself.

When I read everything, I had to get out of the house. I went to feed the horse and sat on a hay bale. I'm not sure how long I was out there. I've been puttering around the house, waiting for my to get so tired I will just go fall into bed. I don't want to make any decisions or think any thoughts, not now. I just want to mourn, alone.

Daughter just called... FB's Mom just passed, about ten minutes ago. The family had her taken off all machines about 2:30-3:00pm. May her journey be peaceful. May all Her loved ones, left behind, find comfort and strength in one another and in their chosen Divinity.

Rest Ye Well.

On The Horizon

On the horizon, a Light doth break and into it go the good souls.
From this world do they travel into peace and serenity
Another place that is everything they believe in and wish it to be.
To shed the suffering, aches and tiredness...
To feel light, airy and free, no longer bound by earthly demands.

This time comes to us all at the choosing of something
Beyond our comprehension.
The manner may not always be sweet or just
We can only hope we have lived wisely and lived well
That what we take with us is equal to what we have left behind.

Into the hands of the Divine that we have entrusted our immortal soul to
To reap all that we have wrought in Divine Grace.
To know that Life is everlasting
That we shed our earthly skins
To be once more as we have always been.

Our journeys are not over but have only come into temporary repose.
Leaving behind those we have drawn to us and those we have given life to
Let them remember us as having lived well
Let us have left behind some spark,
Some knowledge that has touched another's life profoundly.

And let us be able to say of ourselves that it was well worth the trip.

~S. Glenfield~

Quote of the Day

Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
- Henry Ford

The Long and Winding Road

FB: Yesterday his mom was put on dialysis, without it, the doctor gave her only two or three days to live. This will hopefully give the boys time to get here. If her kidney failure is due to her liver failing, there is not much they can do for her. If it turns out to be something else, well, it's simply a wait and see. FB's father, not wanting to make the decision to leave his wife on the dialysis by himself is hoping to borrow enough time for the family to come together and make a decision. She already has a semi-DNR. Her bones are so brittle that they are not allowed to shock her or to use chest compressions. Anything the medical staff can do using medication is acceptable.

FB is a basket case. He has finals this week and daughter isn't sure he is going to be able to take them. All his professors know that his mom is in the hospital but I don't believe they know the full extent of her prognosis. I suggested he speak with his professors and see if anything can be done and if not, then he is just going to have to get in there and do the best he can. He has a family to support and at the moment, they depend on what he brings from going to school via GI bill and such.

Daughter and I had to have a talk today. She called asking if I could watch the kids so she and FB can go to the hospital. FB had already asked her if he could just go ahead. Daughter wanted to go because this might her only chance to see her mother in law without all the rest of the family there. Unfortunately, I couldn't take the kids today and I told my daughter she needed to let FB go alone. He needed this time with his mom alone. It's not the same when you have a wife out in the wings to worry about. Now is the time she needs to take a backseat and be the support he needs. Her needs and wants take secondary consideration to FB's. This is his mother, not hers. She will need to fit in anyway she can, where she can. I think she understood that. I hope so.

All I can do is give her what wisdom I have, what strength I have so in turn she can help him.

Heart Sore

It's come to this, locking up Camelot. It's hard to simply see it as an IRC channel. It's a home away from home. So, this hurts. Is it the right thing to do? I don't know. Who does it serve? Points for it and against it make sense. What else is there to do? I wish..... I wish I had a wand that I could wave and make it all better, but I don't and I can't. I won't apologize for speaking my mind and my thoughts and how I perceived things. I acknowledge that we all perhaps see things and perceive things differently. I don't expect the world to revolve around me or my perceptions. All that I ask is that they be acknowledged as possibly valid and are not totally off the wall...ok.. or even told if I'm totally off the wall. I can agree to disagree and at the end of the day, I will carry out what is agreed upon or what the Boss asks for.

I want my rp husband to be able to go on his cruise with his wife and friends and enjoy himself and not have some little part of himself heart sore over Camelot. I know how much Camelot means to him. I want to bring in the new year without there being this ache between us. I don't like arguing with him. I don't relish nor do I thrive on being at opposite ends with him. I am part of the reason that has pushed him over the edge which in turn forced him to take the stand he has, which in turn has scored his heart to do it. If anyone doubts that, then they don't know him and for being part of what drove him, I am so sorry. I can do no more now than try to be a help and get Her running as she should be. Whatever that will take. I am not going to whip myself over this day in and day out. I can only accept my share of responsibility for what has come to pass and move on. I am going to miss Camelot and in the meantime, I shall also work on how else to blow off steam rather than dumping it in his ear. My main fault is I keep forgetting who he is and only see the man that I can whine to. Hell, he deserves break away from the crap too and he's not going to get that if I'm blowing my frustrations his way.

We have a working solution. It's not a matter of fixing that. Now it's a matter of waiting and how many will wait? How many will return to Her doors every day to see if they remain locked. How many will now go spend some time with their families or find another outlet for their relaxation? Me? I plan on doing both. I'll be there. I'll even throw myself into some physical labor outdoors. I did that the last time I felt this heart sore. I make myself so tired I can't think, I can't feel. I just fall into bed to sleep and get up to do it all over again until I have reason not to.

There will be no Yule for Camelot this year and maybe not a new year's either. LX will play in no other channel and certainly not in a Camelot run by just anyone. Will I be online so anybody who needs it has someone to talk to? You bet. It is the least I can do.

Good-Night.. Parting is such sweet sorrow.....

When Death Knocks

Death always seems to knock on my family's door around this time of year. One would think I would have a less than joyous outlook for the occasion. However, there's nothing further from the truth. It is the second holiday closest to my heart. Although I do not celebrate the Christian version of the holidays, I have taken part in them because of my children and grandchildren. There are things I enjoy so much, the decorations and softer attitudes of mankind. Watching the wonder and excitement in the eyes of the wee ones. The spirit of giving and caring that brings out the best of mankind, but I digress.

My oldest maternal uncle passed over on Christmas Eve many years ago, still quite a young man. My maternal grandfather, whom I adored passed over the day after. I could go on and on. It misses us some years. I don't think it will be passing us over this year. My daughter's mother-in-law, FB's mother, is slowly slipping away. Her kidneys are now failing and they have had to insert a feeding tube. All the children have been called. Last year, the thought was they might lose her, but she rallied. This year, there is little hope of that. She has slipped into a coma-like state.

The Daughter was asking my opinion on some things she knows they'll be facing. It's kind of hard for her to understand having never lost a parent yet. We do talk about that. I don't avoid the subject. All my children know that someday Death will come to me. It is nothing I can prepare them for because no matter what is said or done, when the time comes, the world still falls out from under your feet. So, we talked how she could best support and help FB, the grieving process he will face and how it will affect her and the kids and how she can best get through it. There has never been any love lost between Daughter and her in-laws, she was never good enough for their son, but all told, she still cared and even if she hadn't, she still would because of FB.

My part in all this is minimal at best. I never cared for FB's parents nor, I'm sure, they for me. The children will be my focus, taking them whenever I can for however long I can until everything is handled and life starts up again.

Whereas I live with the Shadow of Death somewhere over my shoulder because of Mr. Mushy's health, it is quite different for FB and his family. Death is not something to talk about or contemplate in the scheme of things. Where I taught my children it is a fact of Life and can not be avoided, things were different for FB and his brothers. They look at such things differently and that's their way.

Life must be lived, for all its glory, in whatever shape and form that takes. All we can do is be thankful we've had it.

What's Your Element?

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world. And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly. Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life. You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful. You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person. With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

What's Your Element?

What Kind Of Blogger Are You?

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What kind of blogger are you?

What Kind Of Soul Are You?

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges. You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions. Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist. Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!). Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others. And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you. You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically. Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas. Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Fridays

Fridays belong to my grandkids. I usually end up playing Pokemon and video games with Topper and baking cookies with Pookie. I was struck by something as Pookie and I rolled cookies in the kitchen and chatted. I was struck by how different life has become then when I was her age. I was doing dishes and some basic cooking. Any cooking Pookie does, it's from here for the most part. It's a shame really. I hope that when I'm gone, she looks back with fondness at our time together in the kitchen.

All of my children took Home Ec. class. The boys whined but they did it, for all the good it does now. Neither of them will cook unless they are quite desperate and I underline that quite. The boys can sew, maybe not a straight line, but they can sew. They can do laundry correctly, read: sort and correct water temps.

That brings me to, why am I teaching Pookie? Why isn't her mother? They do bake together occasionally. I guess maybe my Daughter thinks she still has forever to teach. Forever is soon in coming.

Maybe..... some things are a grandmother's gift to a child....

Thoughts~

We weren't around to see this country's foundation for independence being laid. What we are around for is seeing this same foundation for independence being laid by another country that has spent it's lifetime in oppression and human abuse. It's rather hard to focus on this when the men and women of this country are over there dying to help achieve this. Those servicemembers are someone's loved one, they're not just a number or body count and I really really get ticked off when I read in the media how the body count was higher this past month than any other month since so-so month. Can we please focus on something else besides a friggin body count? Let's focus on why they are dying and dying for. Let's focus on what they have achieved since landing in that forsaken country. Let's focus on what they've uncovered by egotistical viscous men who don't seem to have a humane bone in their body. Let's focus on where all that money from the Cash for Oil Program went and whose pockets it lined, money that rightly belonged to the people. Oh, and let me take a poke at this one... let's focus on the man, who it appears was some sort of go-between in this, the very same man that our last President pardoned, a man, I didn't believe deserved a pardon in the first damn place.

Of the servicemembers over in Iraq, do you know what one of their pet peeves are? The fact that the media covers so little about the good have done, except in a passing blurb. The schools that have been erected, the water and utilities that have been restored and on and on and on.

Look it how Iraq has servicemen fighting along side our troops. They have a special forces team in place. Things just don't happen overnight. Chaos will reign for a time until people start rolling up their shirt sleeves and dig in. It's a slow process. Democracy and Independence weren't built in a day. Of course, we want our troops home, out of harm's way. We don't want another son or daughter, husband or father to die. Somebody needed to step in to help. It's like standing on a street corner and watching a woman get beat up. Is somebody going to step in and help to stop it? I would certainly like to believe so. It is not only our civic duty but a humanitarian one. Helping a country to liberate itself is no different. It is in our best interest to see liberty and democracy established. It's one sure fire way to make sure that those training camps for terrorist cease to exist, terrorist camps that have sent people over here to die, terrorist camps that have sent sleepers into our unaware and innocent communities.

At the end of January, Iraq will hold its elections. That is a great accomplishment. It is a country in its infancy, struggling to comprehend a life without threats, a life without oppression, a country struggling to heal the deep ridges of wounds that have been sowed for generations. More of our servicemembers are headed back over there to help with this event. They will miss the holiday season with their loved ones and yes, sadly, some will not return home again, having paid the ultimate price for someone else. They all are our heroes. Honor is a cold thing to try and hug or sleep with..... but sometimes, it's all we have to cling to... along with our faith.

A Quote for the Day

Every position must be held to the last man: there must be no retirement. With our backs to the wall, and believing in the justice of our cause, each one of us must fight on to the end.

- Earl Douglas Haig (1861-1928), British general and commander of the Expeditionary Force in World War I

Quote For The Day

So, then, to every man his chance -- to every man, regardless of his birth, his shining golden opportunity -- to every man his right to live, to work, to be himself, to become whatever his manhood and his vision can combine to make him -- this, seeker, is the promise of America.


--- Thomas Wolfe---

Go Figure

I slept in fits last night, but hit the ground running bright and early this morning. I imagine my energy level will peter out sometime early this evening. The Chimney flue and the house are fine. We have a chimney sweep coming out this afternoon at noon. So, that's all taken care of. So is Chief. Apparently the oldest animal of The Zoo has sand in his intestines, hence, the inability to keep weight on. We're still waiting on the blood test results which will either be ready this evening or tomorrow morning. So, it's a relief to find we get to keep the horse for awhile longer. He may no longer be productive but he's a darling and I love him dearly. He started a regimen of horsie metamucil today which should get rid of the sand eventually. Hopefully, he'll start gaining weight again.

The last item on my ticket for today is the sink. Luckily I have a double sink and only the right side is affected. It's such a tiny hole that I plugged up that side so I won't forget about it. I'll wrap a little duct tape in case one of the males around here forgets and pulls the plug. Tomorrow that's one of the first things on Mr Mushy's honey-do list. He has Honor Guard for a funeral this afternoon so he got out of the plumbing detail until tomorrow. A business request for a quote and the horse had precedence.

No word on FB's mother yet.

Well, that's the news for the Grove today. I'm just kinda slinking around here, keeping a low profile. I've had enough excitement for awhile thankyouverymuch.