Interesting

Try This. It came pretty damn close. If some things aren't me now, they were at one time. How does yours compare?

Here's what mine said:


Your first name of (my first name went here) has made you happiest when you are expressing in some creative, artistic way, and not conforming to strict routine. In a large group of comparative strangers, you are quiet and rather shy, unable to express yourself, not really wanting to become involved in conversation. On the other hand, among friends with whom you feel at ease, you are expressive, witty, and quite charming. These contrasting natures make it difficult for people to understand you and can lead to friction in your personal life. You are deep, philosophical, and refined, but your extremely sensitive nature causes you to become depressed and self-pitying over any real or imagined slight. If you are not careful, people take advantage of your generous nature. You find the beauties of nature, fine music, art, and literature--all the deeper things of life--inspiring. The reserved, sensitive side of your nature brings aloneness and friction into your life, although you crave affection and understanding. You must guard against emotional excesses, which could result in depletion of energy, creating a desire for quick-energy foods. You could suffer through skin irritations, blood conditions, back trouble, and later, through arthritis. Heart, lung, or bronchial weaknesses could also result.

Whooo-Hooo!

Well, we *finally* did it! I got the whole clan together and we went bowling. One of my adopted daughters works at the bowling alley and as a promotion type thing I have several comp'ed tickets for a game of bowling. All we had to pay for was the shoes. There were seven of us, 5 adults and two kids, Daughter decided she didn't want to bowl. The kids had a blast. I'm not sure which I enjoyed more, watching them get so excited or actually having fun with the crew. I haven't bowled in over 20 years and I broke a 100 today. LOL. NOW there's an accomplishment. By the time we got there most of the good balls were taken. I have my won, somewhere, in the vastness of the garage... I think. Mr. Mushy was able to find his, but mine remains elusive. I inherited mine from a babysitting debt long ago. It's a good ball. It doesn't sport my name, but hey.

So the list went, Troll, Mr. Mushy, Sprout, Pookie, Topper, FB and myself. Three of us broke a 100. Troll, Sprout and I are buying our own balls and shoes. I'm getting squeamish in my old age. Actually, it's just the convince of having my own stuff. Troll said he didn't bowl enough to buy his own gear. I told him we'll be bowling more. Mr.Mushy is already talking about looking into a summer league for us two, mixed. I am trying to slow him down. I want to play with my ball first before I get into mixed company. *grin*

Pookie was cute. After she got the hang of things that girl did good. She nearly broke 100. Topper was funny. He doesn't have quite enough ooompah to get the ball down the alley very fast. He enjoyed himself too much. I daresay they are going to drive their parents crazy about going bowling or it's going to be us!

More importantly it was good to get out and do something with the hubby. We need to do it more. Square dancing was fun. I enjoyed it, but now I want to do something different and I have always enjoyed bowling. So, we'll see how that goes.

Lines, Anyone?

Boundaries actually. I worry about them. Am I enabling? Smothering? Helping? Becoming paranoid even? One of the things that bother me is that I seem to be hovering. I'm always checking on the hubby. Is he okay? How is he feeling? It is a manifestation of fear and I hate that it controls me like this. It's a constant struggle to balance the fear with common sense and the need to live as normally as circumstances allow. It seems like everytime I let myself relax, something else happens to put me back on my guard. I have to admit, it's trying and draining. Throw into that equation the constant vigil I have to keep with the medical establishment in regards to his health care. It's not that they are incompetent, it's more of being overworked and seeing so many people. Sooner or later someone is bound to just see them as another body to see to. This causes inefficient care, sometimes negligent care. Besides, I'm a true believer in being a participant in your own healthcare. Because of the circumstances we find ourselves living in today, it's no longer a simple matter of taking a doctor's word for everything. Like anything else of importance in our lives, we must always ask questions and if something doesn't settle well with you or there's still a sense of uneasiness, then do your research and go back. The doctor may be competent to the degree, but they are also quite human and some thing may slip by them, not occur to them at the time or they may not even have thought in a certain direction. In the hubby's case, as a veteran, it's always a matter of too many people to see and not enough time or energy to be as thorough as maybe they should be. One does the best they can with what they have. To avoid getting into a lost crack, we have to watch his healthcare ourselves, follow up and nag and nag if need be.

There are times when my sleep is lacking that I feel like that stone that is wearing down under the constant drip of water. If I can find one moment where I can close my eyes, inhale and exhale and simply be in the center of silence, I can feel the strength flow in. It may not fill me up but sure does help me get through the next moment. I still worry about the lines, the boundaries. How much am I doing for him? Am I enabling him not to have to see to himself? And how much of it is my own fear consuming me? I don't have the answers. I can only heed my heart, listen to my inner self and hope, I am not fooling myself in the bargain.

And there are times... such as now... where I am so weary. I want nothing more than have the opportunity to lie my head down, close my eyes, listen to the fire crackle in the fireplace and find a place of inner contentment to float away on...

There are grandchildren to see to, one to take home and another to read to before bed. There are dishes to place in the dishwasher, food to put away and a kitchen to clean. There's all the little things that need to be accomplished before I can find my resting place in my dreams.... that small window of time before the new day calls for me... and with any grace, that resting time will be my own, not something of unrest, filled with worry at every little sound that will bring alertness to the fore.

Some where.. some place... in that resting time is a knight on his charger, looking for his lady to join him.. so he may pull her up into the shelter of his arms, seating her before him before they ride off in search of new adventures to challenge them... somewhere.

All In A Day's Journey

Well, always expected the unexpected is the Grove's motto. The day started off simply enough. Around 1:00-1:30 pm, I got a phone call from the hubby on his cell phone. He didn't sound right, but before I could question him on it he told me he wasn't feeling ok and he was headed home. Apparently while the Honor Guard were standing in the cemetery waiting for the funeral to start, the hubby had chest discomfort. On the pain scale of 1-10 with ten being severe, his pain was an 8. It also radiated to his jaw and his arms. He took a nitro, thank the Lady he was carrying it and he says in retrospect he should have taken another one, however it was starting to fade so he only took one. Needless to say, the guys kept a strict eye on him. He also says he should have had one of them take him to the clinic while he was in distress ( well hell YES he should have) but I'm not sure why he didn't. Fear usually is what motivates our decisions. Needless to say he came home and I needed to ask him just how bad the discomfort was. When he told me what his pain factor was that was it, we were headed to the clinic. He wanted to argue with me about it, but I convinced him to go, if only to avoid a hassle with the paper pushers should I need to take him to the ER later in the night or early morning hours ( I KNEW that would make him go if nothing else). So, off we went. I cancelled the grandbabies' visit until tomorrow. I just told Daughter to tell Pookie and Topper that Papa's heart hurt and Meh-Meh was going to take him to the doctor's to make sure he was ok.

After a couple of hours in the Urgent Care, the doctor couldn't find anything in his lab work to suggest anything was wrong. His recently done angiogram was good too. The conclusion the doctor came to was that stress is what has been triggering these episodes ( he had one earlier in the month or it was last month). Hubby has been under a great deal of stress lately. The doctor has put him on a nitro patch as a test trial for 30 days. Hubby is to follow-up with his doctor and his psych doc next month AND now he has no choice, the doc says he absolutely has to stop smoking, no cheating! The smoking is playing a factor in all this.

As for the shroom, one would think I would be use to it this by now. I guess, some part of me doesn't get as excitable as I use to, but I'm hardly blase about it. I think I just cover my nervousness, anxiety and concern all the better now. I try not to borrow trouble, Lady only knows I don't need more of that and sternly force myself to live in the moment, neither thinking beyond or behind it, but I swear I can feel another gray hair sprouting all the time. Tension and I are fast becoming intimate friends, the S.O.B.

Sprout has gone off for his usual night out. Troll is working until midnight and Mr. Mushy, well, he's taking it easy this evening under the watchful eye of his spousal unit. All is quiet for the moment and I hope it stays that way.

Tomorrow is a new day, a clean slate.

Spatial Thoughts

Now and then the flotsam surfaces and I just don't know what comes to the surface, so beware. *grin*

The Mother Church: *Disclaimer* This is merely observation on my part and not intended in any way, shape or form as flaming.

As an institution of Higher Learning that has been around for ages, which has accumulated a mass amount of power, not to mention followers, would at some time, some point, get swallowed up by its amassed power, ironically, much like the serpent who ends up swallowing itself. It fascinates me that such an institution, that holds itself up as an example, has so much dirty laundry in its closet. Instead of purging the dirty laundry, it merely chooses to poke it deeper in the closet and hide it or so they think or worse yet, think that money can make it disappear or hush it up forever. Eventually, the closet gets full and that door isn't going to close, people.

How is it that The Church speaks of Divine forgiveness for those who will confess, but it can't confess to its own short-comings (or sins if you will)? Do they not believe in what they spout? One would think they would be the first one to do so. Yet, this is not the case. I can only ask myself why and the answer I conclude to is this, The Church has become Vanity itself. They've been up there on their pedestal so long now, like it too well, that anything that detracts from that would be a grievous wrong. And whose egotisical thinking is that? Surely not one man but a group of them that speaks for the majority. If one is to follow the journey of their Savior through their guiding book, the Bible, surely they can see how human He was, His struggle to carry out the legacy He was born to see to. If HE can be so human, then why can not the Mother Church? What sets them so far above all other humans? If they are pricked, do they not bleed?

When the very walls, the foundation, upon which something is built, begins to show cracks or begins to shed crumbles, one has two choices, either acknowledge it and fix it properly or ignore it, pretend it isn't so and if the latter, the next thing will be to watch your house tumble in upon you.... something else comes to mind as well.. something about stones and glass houses.

So, what's it going to be? I guess time will only tell. Remove the thorns and the body will heal itself. Sending the thorns elsewhere will only result in the body seeping more blood.

One other thing bothers me. What happened to the humility of mankind? When did money become part of the equation? The amounts of money paid out just to be in the cathedral for Christmas Mass appalled me. Why is it necessary to have all that gold inside a humble Divine's place of worship? That gold means nothing to the Divine, so why does Man find it necessary? The money that went into making those things could well have been spent in making the world a better place. It is the deeds of Man that hold us, it is not the clothes we don, rings we wear or the things we surround ourselves with. Gold was the root of evil if the recounting of bibical times is to be believed. Has no one learned that? Pay homage with your deeds toward your fellow man, not by giving of your coin so that something grand can be made and placed in a house of worship. That coin is better served by buying rice for a hungry child or shelter and medicine for the sick. A house of worship has no need for such splendor of display.

Somewhere, along the way, many have forgotten that.

Grove Happenings

Topper: Turns 4 years old tomorrow. Where does the time fly?

Troll: His manager is planning on leaving the store. We think it's for another Petco about 30 miles away. Troll would like to pick up the manager position at this one. He's been with this Petco from the very beginning. He's worked his way up from entry level to his current position as the Merchandise Manager.

FB: WHAT WAS HE THINKING???!! (I just love Dr. Phil) It seems that FB is tired of school (can we say burnout?) and wishes he could take a month or two off but of course that's impossible. Why? Because if he doesn't go to school, he doesn't get any money for his family to live on. SOMEbody does not want to work unless he can sit behind some desk in a cushy chair in an air conditioned office. He hates it that his family depends so much on him. Well HELLO! What did he think was going to happen when he got married? Who did he think they were suppose to depend on?

Piece of trivia for y'all. It's been proven that a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) works the equivalent of two, count them, TWO full time jobs. Want to know why? Because her job never ends. She doesn't get to clock out and go someplace else. She can't call in sick. She's damn lucky if she gets a half hour to herself while in the bathroom.

Was FB counting on his wife working? They had that discussion before they got married. Daughter felt strongly about one parent staying home while the other worked. FB doesn't want that job. He's made that clear. To top that all off, Daughter would have a damn hard time working because of her arthritis and other medical problems.

Want to read another side funny? Daughter applied for disability. The state turned her down so she applied for federal disability. They turned her down. Reason: Find a job where you do not need to use your hands. EXCUSE ME???!!! What moron wrote that and where was their head? And what in sam hell is she suppose to use on a job? Better than that, what kind of job is there that doesn't use hands? Does one exist?

To top this all off, I can't believe that FB got accepted into Chico University. His grade point average was dismal as far as I knew. Mr. Mushy and I were talking about it and we think we know how come he got accepted. He's in the veteran rehabilitation program. Now, they won't be moving to Chico. They can't afford the housing there. So FB will be driving it. It's about an hour and a half drive, one way. Mark my words, he's going to get tired of doing that pretty damn quick. He tried to convince Daughter to let him live in Chico for the week and he would come home on weekends. They can't afford to have two households running and besides, she needs his help with the family. She does as much as she can but sometimes, she needs him around to help her. His point is that's what is family for, to help out. He doesn't understand the concept of helping out vs. doing it all for you. He seems to develop a block when it comes to understanding that we have a life of our own to lead. Daughter will struggle before she asks us. We're her last option. Her outlook is that it is her and FB's family, their responsibility. Now if only he would learn that, but it seems like anything that makes his life difficult, someone else should be giving of themselves to make his life easier, forget anyone else's plans or life.

You know, he's really not a bad guy and sometimes, he just floats under my radar. Those other times though... I just really want my shovel.

Spousal Unit: He seems to be coming along okay. We've been spending more time together which has been great. It's what we've needed to do to reconnect. I'm not doing any jigs of joy because it still is early times, but I draw hope from the fact he is trying. Some days are better than others. It gives me strength to hang in there when days are not so good.

Dark Towers: The channel is slow, but I expected that. It's simply a matter of being there and working the opportunities that come our way. The storylines are coming along. I decided to do something different. I decided to start with Raven (my character) as a child and her relationship with Hawke as well. The next few parts will deal with how things come to be as they are now. We've drawn a bit from the past to weave it all together. I'm not saying how just yet.

There are many secrets at Dark Towers Manor including the lives of the Master and Mistress. For her, it's not so much that she's hiding anything. It's just that no one has drawn the pieces together because at the moment, there aren't too many puzzle pieces to draw together. While I think I know something of what Hawke is hiding, his past as it were, which I believe is drawn from a past storyline, Raven is also drawn from that past storyline. I just don't think it will dawn on anyone just yet. A subtle clue was dropped in the first part. I just need to figure out how to drop another one in the second part... and that's all you're getting. *grin*

Sprout: Wants to look for a new car. He's on his own for this one. I tried to talk to him about not buying the one he has, but like he says, he's a kid, he's not suppose to listen.. live and learn. It just means he has to stay at this job or finds another one to slip into. Money. He calls it evil, right up there with women. *grin*

He'll learn.

We'll that's the happenings in The Grove for the moment.

Sprouting Discussions

Sprout and I had a long discussion last evening. As some of you are aware, he works as a "grunt" or entry level assistant to a local private contractor. At the time that he started, he didn't want to go to college after graduating high school. I could understand that. If you could only understand the struggle it was for him just to get through high school academically. Most times, I can actually say it was painful for him and for me, however, get through it he did and he was so proud of achieving that and so was I.

What's on his mind of late is that his older brother, his biological father and maybe a few other people I don't know of, are constantly harping on him how lucky he is to be able to do what he is doing and learning what he is and he should stick with it. Sprout and I have had this discussion before. I know where he is coming from. From time to time he comes to me for a little reality check, like, last night.

Sprout does not want to do this type of work forever. It is not what he wants to make his career. What's bothering him the most is that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. That bothers him A LOT. He feels he should have a handle on it now and should be out there getting it done. Well, it doesn't always work that way. Even I didn't find my niche until I was in my 30's and I fell into it quite by accident. Who knows how long it's going to take Sprout? At any rate Sprout and I discussed how he recognizes and acknowledges that because of the job shortages here in the North State, what he is currently doing is something he is going to have to stick with until he does know what direction he wants to head in. He understands that the knowledge he is accumulating currently may well stand him in good stead down the road. After all, it is an occupation that will always be in demand for as long as people need houses or want renovations. It's not a bad talent to have on hand.

Sprout worries about everyone else's expectations and I try to reassure him that the only expectations he needs to worry about, are his own. By the same token, he has to be logical and keep his common sense in the foreground. He knows he has to work and be productive even while he is trying to figure out what he wants to do "when he grows up". He sure can't afford to be "Peter Pan" like a rock star icon we all know of.

He wanted to know if it was normal to "hate" going to work. Well, yeah, sometimes. I don't know how many jobs I did simply to make ends meet. Sometimes, you got to do what you got to do, keep an eye out for opportunity and listen for that knock at the same time. I have always stressed to my children the need for a back-up plan, something to fall back on if things don't work out like you expect or want and something to keep you from being a starving, homeless person while you achieve it. It's not easy, the juggling. I have heard excuses about how just the need to survive has robbed someone of their 'golden opportunity'. Bullcrap. If you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to make it happen. So sorry if it cuts into your social life or your sleep time. If you want something bad enough, can taste it, you can do it. My children have never grown up nor do they have the attitude that something should just be handed to them or that it's their 'due'. You're here on this earth to learn. What you're 'due' is what you've earned through hard work and sacrifice.

So, while Sprout is contemplating just what he wants to be when he grows up, he still goes out that door at 6:45 am every morning, with some part of him whining that he hates his job. Sometimes, he comes home and whines to me too. I simply look at him and tell him, "Quit whining and fix it. I'm not going to make it better for you. That's not my responsibility any more." He grins, leans down with those fricking fracking stubby whiskers of his and gives me a kiss on my cheek and says, " I know. I love you, Mom. "

AND THAT people, is what it's all about.

42. Yeah. Okay.

Yesterday, I turned 42..... okay so my daughter tells me I've been 42 even BEFORE I was 42. Sprout and I decided that 42 was a good age, not too young, not too old. So, I hereby declare that from here on out, I am 42......Now will someone inform my body of that?!

It wasn't the day I had planned in my mind, but it was a good day. Mr Mushy and I got up late, went out to a Valentine's Day/Birthday lunch at a Mexican place. We had a wonderful meal complete with great conversation. That's one thing I can claim about my hubby, I always enjoy the time I get to spend with him. Then we went to this little place called " The Wild Thyme". It's an old house converted into a shop. She has all kinds of wonderful things in there. It's a real potpourri. I got to pick out two more faeries to add to my collection (I got the first one for Yule) and a pair of wonderful dangling earrings which are shaped like green leaves. Outside she has all kinds of plants and in March, she'll be getting in her herbs. It's one of those places I keep meaning to stop in and visit and just never get around to it.

Then I had to go grocery shopping. Urk. My fault. If I had planned my menus earlier I could have gone earlier and had yesterday to myself. Oh well. As it was we got home late and poor Sprout had to wedge himself into the doggy door built into the office door and reach up to unlock the door so he could get in after getting home from work. The doof doesn't carry his house key. Speaking of Sprout, he was so sweet. He wanted to take us out for prime rib last night for my birthday. I begged off. We had a late lunch and I really did want to fix dinner at home. We'll probably go do it later. Bless his heart.

Didn't go bowling either. We just didn't have the time. We were going to try to do it this afternoon but I forgot that Mr Mushy had a funeral to do at 2 pm. It's still not out of the question. Someone mentioned going in the early evening. We'll see.

Friday we'll be out of town. Mr Mushy is due in Sacramento for a check up with the oncology department. It should be one of those turn around trips and be back later in the evening sort of things. It's a must go thing. We're not expecting any problems or bad news but I do have some questions for them. Hopefully, they'll be able to shed some light on the matter and relieve my mind.

Mr Mushy had his first new group meeting on Monday. From his attitude, it seems to have gone well. There are 2 other medics in the group so I am sure that will go along way to helping him. One thing he mentioned as we were changing pillow cases was that the group said they could see a lot of anger in him. I paused, looked at him over the top of a pillow and said, " Uh.. duh, " I didn't say it in a negative way and he knew that, " I've been telling you that you have a whole lot of anger inside you need to get rid of. It's like an infectious sore, if the poison isn't released, it's going to poison your whole body eventually. " I don't think he realized, actually realized that he packed his anger inside him or that anyone else could actually see it. It's not that he discredits anything I say to him, quite the opposite, but I think.... the affirmation he gets from his peers, brings it all home. Something I got from him is that even while he doesn't discredit anything I say, he somehow, doesn't quite process it because in his mind, I have never been through what he has so how can I truly understand and how can I truly be able to see what I claim I see. I'm not sure I am wording that right, but you get the gist of it. I think the affirmation from his peers gives him pause to realize that his wife is not talking through her hat and maybe she really does understand some of this stuff after all. I guess maybe... it validates my words.. is a better way of putting it. Aside from the weekly meeting, the doc wants to see him one on one about twice a month. I am encouraged. I feel like though it's just a beginning, we're not spinning our wheels anymore. The doc asked Mr Mushy if since starting the group Mr Mushy was able to communicate more to me the feelings he has expressed in group. Though Mr Mushy didn't outright say to me that he told the doc yes, I know he did and that was wrong. I looked at the hubby and told him, no, not really we haven't, that those feelings of his were ones I pulled from him before he started group. I have no problems telling it like it is with hubby. If he is to get well, or even have the chance of doing so, he has to, HAS TO, be honest with himself, no slack, no hm-hawing, no skirting... it has to be in your face truth... no matter what because, no matter what, I am there for him. I'll hold his hand, I'll do whatever it takes, but lies of omission are no longer acceptable because they hurt him and they hurt us. Right now he's fighting for himself. I'm fighting for us and that's okay. I can do that. Privately, I see that this group is better for him, he's come home and actually talked to me about his session and that's something I haven't seen him do in a long time. I am grateful.

There's more inside of me to spout about, but I need to get out of here and go stand in the shower, spraying some hot water on these 42 year old bones... yeah. right.

Even Roosters Aren't Up This Early

Pookie. Sometimes the girl must sleep so well and so deep that she gets up before the chickens do! She woke up at 4:30 AM, wide awake and ready to get busy! *groan* I convinced her it was way to early to be doing anything and she could lie at the foot of my bed and watch tv. That lasted about an hour and a half. I didn't go back to sleep but was in a light snooze when she wanted to go watch tv in the livingroom. I turned on the tv, set it to her favorite channel and curled up in Mr. Mushy's chair. *yawn* About an hour later she told me she had hunger pains. I can't believe a stomach is even awake at that hour! I set her up with her breakfast, went back to the chair to snooze. Ha! This morning was a whirlwind around here, alarm clocks going off all over the place. Sprout had a date to go play paintball or so he thought. His alarm clock went off at 7:00 AM. It was raining. Did he care? Hell no. He had just bought a new paintball gun for about $200.00. Sweet little thing. He gathered some friends and off they went. Mr. Mushy had to be up at 9:00 AM to go to a VFW District meeting. Sleep was not right around the corner for yours truly. I sighed good-naturedly and went to get a cup of coffee.

Pookie and I are in the process of finishing up our baking. Uh.. I'm sending the majority of them home with her. No one around here likes or needs the sugar rush. If she isn't over doing the frosting, it's the sprinkles. We're close to the end and I think she's finally got the hang of it. She can take them home so her family can ping off the walls. *snicker* We had a good time, that's all that matters.

Mr. Mushy is trying to adjust to his new medication. It doesn't seem like it will be a long term medication. In the meantime, just to get it in his system and working is making him very tired. The doc said he'd be like this for about three or four days. I'm betting on a week, at least.

Speaking of Mr Mushy, he surprised me. He asked me out to dinner tomorrow night. I figured we would be staying in. It's hard to get reservations for dinner around here on Valentine's Day. I guess he is going to call them today. Hopefully, he'll get the reservations, we'll see. If not, we can always go out the next night. I shall be Queen for the day on Tuesday and I think I want to go bowling. *grin* I've had that urge for awhile now. I'll not even mention my average after not playing for so long. Average? What's an average? And isn't that heavy black ball suppose to stay in the same alley you threw it down? *snicker* I'm kidding. I'm NOT that bad. However I must like to do my part in keeping the gutters clean.

I've been working on my web pages for Dark Towers. You can find those here. I have yet to transfer the first part of the first story from my lap top to this computer so I can upload it. The second part is going to have to wait until I hear back from my writing partner as I need some feedback. He's been pretty dang busy himself. I have ramblings going on in my mind however, so it wont take long to write up.

My Double Moon writings and my personal website need some attention as well. I just can't seem to jumpstart it to get them done. My mind whirls with ideas and possibilities, but to sit down and actually write them... it's like there is some sort of blockage. I'm beginning to think that maybe I don't have the fire for writing I always thought I possessed. Much of it, I think is feeling overwhelmed, about... everything and anything at the moment... I can't see my life without writing but I'm not going to be a household word to be sure.

Well the chicks will be at home tonight so maybe this grandmother hen will be able to get some sleep tonight and maybe I can even sneak in a little nap once Pookie goes home...nap.. given the state my house is in... mess needing cleaning.. nap... I think the nap is going to win out.

Amid The Clouds

I'm feeling pretty optimistic about now and that downright makes me feel pretty damn good. The hubby called me before the funeral yesterday to tell me I didn't need to go with him to see the head doc. I asked him if he was sure, because I would go if he needed me to. No, it wasn't necessary he told me, that upon reflection, I was right. We had had a conversation the day before about the appointment. I was curious why he wanted me to go. I pointed out that I couldn't tell the doc what happened except from my view point. I didn't know a thing until he came in and told me what had happened. The doc needed to know what happened exactly, from his end. So, he went. The session was good. He's being transferred to a Monday night group, which isn't as full and there is more one-on-one time with the doc. He will not be volunteering to work the bar at the VFW post. The doc is also going to see to Mr Mushy's relapse into smoking.

I think...no, I know... I shook the hubby up pretty badly. He says I had him in tears. It wasn't intentional, trust me. That night, while all this was going on, I kept calling his cell phone, hoping to reach him and when I couldn't I left msgs, several of them. As far as I can recollect, they're pretty damn emotional. Basically along the lines that I just want him safe and sound back home and I couldn't contemplate a life without him. I remember being in tears. I had every intention of erasing those voice mails the next day before he could hear them. I knew he would get upset. Alas, things were so much like shredded cabbage, I plum forgot. He listened to them yesterday. I don't know if what he heard shook him up into really getting serious fixing things. I hope so, I hope not. I hope so because I want things to be better. I hope not because I want him to fix them not because he feels guilty for causing me pain, but because he wants to fix them, because they need to be fixed if our marriage is to stand any hope of surviving.

I feel much better today. I've picked myself up, dusted myself off and found my balance again. I have the grandbabies to play with today. Tomorrow, Jessi and I will be baking Valentine cookies, the kind with frosting. Tonight I'm baking chocolate chip cookies from scratch. I promised Sprout I would. It's my way of thanking him for helping me the other night. His thought: You're my mom, you don't have to thank me. I love you... but I'll take those cookies. LOL. Done! It's the least I can do.

Something has shifted in Mr Mushy's self. I can feel it. Usually through some sort of turmoil we go through, I can feel the walls come up, firm and fast. I don't get that feeling today. He's left himself a little more open to me and that means more to me than I could possibly say....

Shake, Rattle and Roll

Where do I start? I'm sitting here, slumped in front of my computer and at a loss for mental words, words I want to, need to, write out for my own personal sanity. Today it all just seems like a really bad dream, but I know it wasn't. I know it actually happened.

It all starts with Tuesday. The hubby leaves around 3:15pm to see to some errands before going to his doctor's appt. for his ears at 4pm and at 6-6:30pm, he has his monthly Marine Corp League meeting. This means I will probably not see him again until around 10pm.

One of the things that has been a bone of contention between us is that he gets to jaw jacking with his cronies that he forgets the time and forgets to place a brief call to me to reassure me he is fine. I'm not paranoid but over the last year or two there have been times when we have had to rush to the ER room of the hospital because there has been an episode with his heart. I worry. I usually figure about 2 hours after the meeting before he comes home or calls. The time usually stretches into 4 -6 hours before he comes through that door or the phone rings. I get angry. I get worried. I get relieved.

On Tuesday, the phone did not ring until 1:15 am or should I say Wednesday morning. Tuesday night I spent periodically calling his cell phone, to no avail and calling the truck mobil, again, to no avail. Now I'm really worried. So by 1:15 in the morning, when he finally does call and the first thing I hear him say is, " I know, I know, I'm in trouble. " my response is, " It's gone just being in trouble. "

My back is to the front door. I hear it open about 15 minutes later. I hear him speak softly to the dogs and then the door closes quietly. I am thinking, he knows he's in trouble with me so he's gone out to hug his horse (don't ask, long story). When he doesn't come in an hour later, I know something is wrong and I grab a flashlight and go out to look for him. It's cold, it's dark and I can't locate him anywhere. I have looked all over. I don't know if he called someone form his support group to pick him up so they can go have coffee and talk. I don't know if he's taken off to go walk because he's in turmoil himself over how I feel and maybe is thinking this is it, that I'm leaving him since I've had enough. I don't know. There is still no answer to his cell phone. I know it's still on because it rings before I get his voice mail.

Troll rolls in from work around 2 am. I tell him what's going on and turn down his offer to go looking for the hubby. After all, the hubby being who he is, if he doesn't want to be found, he won't be. Around 4 am, I send Troll off to bed with reassurances that I don't want him to go outside.

By 4 am I am really starting to worry. This is so out of character for the hubby. He has never stayed out this late before, let alone not answered his cell phone. So, by now I am starting to feel panic kick in and I'm beating it down so I can think clearly. By this time, I am silently wondering if it is partially my fault this has all happened, that my anger has tipped him into doing something stupid. Although, I know that he would not do that because we've talked about it before he knows that to do something stupid, would hurt the people he left behind far more than anything he could do in living. Still. Part of me can't dismiss this. The logical part of me is telling me I am not at fault. Given the mental and emotional stress that the hubby is working through is by far enough to be a contributing factor. Still, some small voice is whispering that I could have contributed too. I kick that to the back of my mind. There are far more important things to see to at the moment. In the meantime my emotional state is one of sheer panic, I'll admit it. I thought I had lost him, but I was concentrating on finding him.

By 6:15 am, I go to see if Sprout is getting up for work. I tell him Dad is missing. He jumps out of bed, I get scolded because Dad has been out there for about 5 hours now and I should have woken him up so he could go look for him. He makes a quick call to his boss, we both get dressed and armed with flashlights, we go out back to look for him. I have about 4.9 acres all said and done. I didn't think he was out back because the dogs would be having a field day if that were the case. They weren't. Still we looked and nothing. Troll in the mean time got up (after about 4 hours sleep) and he was calling the hospitals. We all met at the front of the house. We were just discussing going across the street into a neighbor's property ( huge land lot. I can't estimate the number of acres, but it's undeveloped, full of hills, pot holes and trees). The boys decided to jump in Troll's suv and go looking for him. I stayed home to man the phone and be here in case the hubby came home. I'd say about a half hour to 45 minutes went by and the door opened. It was the spouse, extremely cold, wet and very shook up. I threw myself at him, poor man. I'm no tiny wisp of wind, mind you. He still managed to stay on his feet and we held onto each other for dear life. I broke away only to call the boys and let them know he was home and what had happened.

Mr. Mushy's version: He remembered driving home, parking the truck and opening the door. He remembered leaving the mail on my desk and speaking with the dogs before closing the door. The next thing he remembers is running, across the road into he neighbor's land. He ran and stopped, ran and stopped, periodically hiding behind oak trees. He had gone into a flashback from Vietnam. He snapped out of it around 7 am, when the sun had come up. He had gone pretty deep into the neighbor's property. When he came out of it, he started hiking home.

In the almost nine years we have been together, he has never lapsed into one of these. He says he's had them before but it has been years. This really shook him up. We're not sure what catapulted him into it. I feel there could have been several factors. The ones we both agree with is that it is an anniversary date. He was shot in Khe Sanh and he was in the Tet Offensive. In the years we've been together, he's had nightmares, but this is the first flashback I have had to go through with him.

If it happens ever again, I know I'll handle it much better. If he disappears again, something out of the usual, I'll more than likely know the cause. We have an appointment tomorrow with his shrink. I say "we" because we're a team and because I experience secondary cause. It's much like experiencing second hand PTSD which spouses/family members experience. This flashback hit me blindsided and coupled with the turmoil we've been working through, has thrown me into a place where the ground has been swept away from under my feet.

The residue is that I'm exhausted, mentally and emotionally. The hubby is the same way. Yesterday I had the need to check, from time to time, on Mr Mushy, to lie beside him, put my hand on him, to reassure myself he was there and safe. That tells me how far to the edge I was yesterday. Today, I was concerned when he left to go the VA clinic and check the mail. I swallowed that edge of panic and let him go after he reassured me he was up to doing it. Today, my brain does not feel like shredded cabbage but I just have this overall feeling of exhaustion. By Saturday, I should be feeling much more in balance, mentally and emotionally. I should much more able to think. Right now, all I am doing is the mundane things that need little effort or thought.

My mantra is: All is safe and I can handle this, just give me some space and time.

In The Grove

Okay, so I've been MIA for a couple of days. There's nothing serious to report. Aside from every day life tying me up, I also had the opportunity to spend some alone time with Mr Mushy as the house was empty and THAT virtually never happens. Yesterday should have been spent with the grandbabies, but schedules didn't permit it, I fear, not to mention that Pookie got grounded. So I ended up falling asleep on the couch and waking up quite late. By then no one was online. So, I just took myself off to bed again.

For two weeks now, everytime my daughter would ask Pookie if she had any homework, Pookie said no. Now Daughter thought this was a bit strange, especially for two weeks. So a phone call to the teacher confirmed it. Now Pookie, when asked about homework, would tell her mother she had none. Funny how that kinda slides into, " my brother gets in my backpack and loses it. " Uh-huh. No doubt Topper is a little curious dickens and could be the culprit HOWEVER, Pookie is in trouble for lying. She went from no homework to my brother lost it.

The only reason I didn't have Topper is because transportation or someone here to receive him was not possible yesterday. I spent practically all day delivering puppies to their new owners. I had listed them this organization called Freecycle. If your town doesn't have one, you can start one. The puppies all went to great, loving homes. We had to pick up Cherokee from the vet. We had him fixed. Then Mr Mushy, who was doing funerals all day, twisted his ankle at one of the cemeteries. So, I am doing everything and keeping him off that foot.

I want to touch on Freecycle a bit. I urge everyone who reads this to go to their site and on the left hand side, find your part of the country. This is a Yahoo Group. Here you can list stuff you want to giveaway or even find stuff. I know someone who recently got themselves a nice piano, something they've always wanted. It's a great way to recycle. I don't have the time or the inclination to hold a yard sale. I keep telling myself I will and never do. I had to finally admit I wouldn't get around to it and I wanted to be rid of the clutter. Freecycle is a great way to find a new home for this stuff. You don't have to offer to deliver, most people go to pick the stuff up. By the end of summer I am hoping to be able to give up my rental storage shed. Finally.

Today is proving to be an easy day so far. I hope it ends that way too.

Here We Go Loop-de-Loop...

ARUGH! Someone stop this train, I want off....for now.

If I could figure a way to make myself totally inaccessible for about 48 hours, I think my brain, nay, my soul, would feel refreshed and ready to take on the world again.

Where have I been and what's been going on? Well, let me tell you, my world has just been crazy. Of course we're rolling around to tax time again and I haven't kept up my Quick Books for the household finances so I need to remedy that so that Mr. Mushy can get the taxes done. I have, however, rounded up all the receipts and bank statements, not to mention I do keep all the paid bills in monthly files, so I'm not too badly behind.

Family issues have kept my attention focused, nothing bad, mind you, just things I need to give my attention to and put my effort into. It's not really big things but all those little things add up, you know?

I'm starting to develop Spring Fever. I don't care what they say that groundhog says, it's going to be an early spring and I'm getting that from Mother Nature herself. No, I'm not over worked or over tired.. ok.. I'm both.. but I'm still sane.. well, as sane as I ever was. No, what I mean is that the spring wild flowers are starting to bloom and you can't fool Mother Nature. She doesn't send them shooting up through the ground unless it's time.

I find it amazing how those little flowers know it's time, yet they do. One would think it was some sort of timer built into their genetic code. I'm not buying it. If that was it, they would bloom every season at the same time, but they don't. One would think they might bloom according to the earth's temperature. Well, I think that has something to do with it. Down there in the soil, the temps are different than it is up here, above it. We can have a week's worth of sunshine and warm temps, but that won't bring out the spring wild flowers before their rightful time. Nope. Spring is coming early, mark my words. We may still get cold temps on clear nights and we may still get some rain but Spring is truly on the way. I'd tell you that my internal clock is saying the same thing, but it doesn't count. How can you trust an internal clock stepping into menopause? Hot, cold, sleep, don't sleep... They still shoot horses, don't they?

What's driving me absolutely bonkers is the fact that my mind is whirling with bits and pieces of creativity and I can't sit down long enough, let alone have the time to devote, to actually doing something about it. This menopausal thing? It shoots my energy levels all to hell. Maybe some true time basking in the sunshine, while we have it, will work. After all, the sun is energizing. I suppose I'll try it...and if you believe I'll be out there basking in the sun... I have a piece of prime real estate in the Amazon Forest for sale.

Maybe a piece of chocolate will do the trick, after all, it isn't as if I'll eve be wiggling into a bathing suit ever again. I haven't been in one of those in, oh, several years. Gravity is a horrible thing. The fact that it pulls everything in a southernly direction absolutely sucks. Then again, upon pondering such things, to have everything going in a northernly direction simply leaves me shuddering. There's no way of winning this one unless you have more money than Satan and don't mind needles, which I don't and which I do. So, where does that leave me? A simply little old country girl with an aging body best left covered up without looking like a female from the Middle East. Oh well. Mr. Mushy loves me anyway. Bless him.

FB got his college financial aid back. He had to take in a copy of his mother's death certificate and it seems to have worked out. They got a check yesterday which allowed them to pay the necessity bills first. His GI Bill money got verified so they should be getting a check next week sometime.

You know, given any situation in our lives, if we look long enough, we can find the clouds and darkened skies. However, if we ride them out long enough, there's always a sunny day not far behind.